I wrote this a month ago today in my journal. It was meant for my blog, but never made it there. I’m trying to get used to sharing and making my thoughts vulnerable for all to read, so here goes:
I feel like I’ve been living in a vacuum the last 4 weeks. Like I’m living in this tiny bubble of clarity and distinctness and everything else around me is fuzzy. It’s almost like I can hear people speaking to me but I cannot decipher anything they are saying because it is all muffled. It just feels like I’m in an underwater bubble.
We were warned that the home study process would be intense – that there would be tons of paperwork, and that it would be imperative that we pay attention to every detail and not overlook a thing. What I wasn’t expecting was the sense of urgency and vigor that would fill me as we began this massive stack of documents. You see, something happened as we were given the go-ahead to begin our paperwork. Something switched inside my head. Though I had known it all along, it’s like my eyes saw for the first time that there was a child on the other end of this arduous labor of love. And my heart became aware that there’s a real possibility that our son is already alive somewhere, needing a forever family. All kinds of thoughts began to race through my mind – did someone feed him today? Does he have anyone that can hug him today? Does he have a safe place to lay his head down tonight? Does he have someone to comfort him in his fears and pray over him?
As the questions continued to swirl through my mind, I knew that there was only one thing that I could control. And that was the paperwork. I felt the only way that I could faithfully and lovingly serve our son at this time – besides prayer – was to give my all toward accomplishing the task of conquering this paperwork. And as I did, everything else around me – outside of Daniel and our 4 biological children – seemed to fade away.
On Thursday, October 20, I took that mountain of paperwork to the local postal store to be mailed. The total sum of what all those pages represented was hours upon hours of phone calls, appointments, educational classes, writing our life stories, errands, and chasing down notary publics for signatures. My heart was tied to every page, as the completion of each document represented one step closer to completion, which meant one step closer to bringing our child home. I made sure every detail was as it was supposed to be. And I prayed. I have never prayed so diligently over a package. I prayed over the weather, so the papers wouldn’t be damaged. I prayed over the FedEx delivery men/women that would drive it away, those that would sort it, those that flew the airplanes that carried it, and those that would deliver it to the office of our adoption agency.
That package didn’t arrive when it was supposed to. They made a mistake in the delivery. I called FedEx and they “found” it and re-delivered it another day. In the midst of the praying and the waiting, I was reminded again that God is FOR the orphan. The details might not work out the way or time that I expect or even want them to. But God is for the orphans. It is His job to work out the details. It is for us to trust Him to do so.
“Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.” – James 1:27